Not Always As It Seems

I have been thinking about writing this for a little while now and now that my 37^th birthday and the anniversary of when I proposed to Carol have just passed, I feel it is time.  I can't write like my wife, but there are things I have needed to own up to in order to be the person that I used to be and to finally let things go or at least move forward. I'm writing this in hopes that others may be able to relate and learn from my mistakes. 

The last four months, while parts have been good especially us welcoming our son Paxton into this world, other parts have been extremely trying and difficult for myself and Carol. I had finally started admitting to myself and others the things I have been holding inside from years ago that I had done. 

December each year usually brings around joy and happiness and should especially be joyous when getting ready for a baby.  Carol, I believe, had started to become somewhat insecure. I am sure some was normal pregnancy stuff, but she started to ask more about our past. About things that I was never very willing to discuss. While some of our close friends and only a few family members know what we went through early on with our relationship, a lot of this will come as a shock to most reading this.

Like most couples discuss, she asked when I knew for sure she was the one, about others I dated and so on.  We delved into the more difficult times from our dating history as well as our friendship. Up until this point I had refused to even discuss it as a lot of stuff from that time was a very dark part of my life. I had been dealing with emotional pain and anxiety a lot over the last 9 years.

A lot of the emotional pain was never really dealing with my mother's passing and until now never really discussing it with Carol. I didn't realize that my refusal to talk about the past with Carol was also hurting Carol deeply. I was believing that since our marriage had been truly amazing nothing else really mattered. But over the last four months I have answered questions and contemplated things that I never really wanted to think about again. Because I had not talked about things, and also had hidden a lot for almost 7 years, things started to unravel.

Close to 8 years ago, Carol and I dated secretly. I was her boss, so was very paranoid about anyone finding out. I then broke up with Carol after we had been dating for a couple months to pursue an ex.  I knew within a short amount of time, probably within two weeks, that I made a mistake leaving. The reasons for breaking up with Carol were not even good ones when looking back. Basically, my ex had been a reminder of my mother (teaching, meeting around my mother’s birthday which is a hard time every year, she had a relative pass at the same time as my mother). There was nothing deeper than that. I took those similarities to my mother to be some sign from the universe that it should work, instead of realizing we had no ability to communicate, no chemistry, or anything that would even make a decent relationship. I broke up with Carol literally the day before my mother's birthday. It should have been obvious to me that I just was not coping instead of having any issue with the relationship and wanting to leave, but I didn't see it. 

Also, I didn't want to get left. I had become so afraid because of past experience dating (not much experience and getting dumped) that Carol was going to leave me if I stayed. Our relationship moved far faster than I expected and I felt more for her than I thought possible. I felt insecure and not good enough, which is something I had dealt with for a few years before that. And even though I knew and felt I was in love, I ran. The sad thing is once I realized that I had screwed up, I felt I couldn't go back to Carol for worrying I would hurt her even more and I didn't think it could ever be forgiven. Instead of just letting it be known what was going on I acted like I didn't care anymore and was just over her. I let everyone believe, even our close friends, that Carol wasn't nearly as important to me as she actually was. And since I didn't think there was any going back, I half-heartedly pursued my ex for a couple months. Sort of felt like I ruined a great relationship for this so I had to try. I never did end up dating my ex again but pursuing her for that short time kept Carol at a distance from me.  

Months had passed, Carol and I were friends the entire time, but both of us could tell it was far deeper than friends and becoming more again. We kept getting closer just like when we were dating.  But I kept telling Carol I was not interested in dating again. I missed her and treated her as my girlfriend some days. Other days, I felt panicked. On the inside I was wanting more, but just was too afraid to work through things. I went as far as telling her that I didn't want a relationship at all with anyone and wanted to stay single. Actually, I believe I said that if I was going to date anyone it would be her but that I needed time to figure out my life. That was true, and what I should have done.

But, around this time I had lost my job, for reasons unrelated to my relationship with Carol, which was my life and what I had put everything I had into, hoping that is where I would be for the rest of my career. That left me with a wounded ego and lots of free time. An old acquaintance from high school and I began to talk online. At first, I told Carol about the conversations, even saying that I was scared this person wanted something I didn't. Carol advised me to not play along if I wasn't really interested. I should have listened, but I must have felt some need to escape my life, and assumed there was no harm in playing along. It was a harmless ego boost or so I thought. But then this person started talking to a relative of mine about our conversations, which caused me to start lying to family just to avoid looking bad.

After telling Carol for weeks that there was nothing going on and I had zero interest in this other person and being with Carol as basically a complicated couple for a month, it appeared that I suddenly started a long distance relationship. I started to tell Carol, my family, our friends, and the other person that I was suddenly in love and could see myself getting married. What nobody knew is it was all fake and I was using the other person and going along with whatever she would say. Within a week of talking, this person said she was in love, and quickly talked about getting married and moving. I just acted like I was on board. It felt easy to do since the person lived hours away and I'd already lied to those around me. I felt nothing for her at all, but I kept up the lie for months. It is shameful that I could talk to this person almost every day, and continue to pretend I felt something I didn't. That I could even say, "I love you" when I felt nothing. I truly felt numb to it. Like nothing really mattered so pretending was okay.

Why did I do this? To try and escape things in my life and push myself away from Carol. Why would I want to do that when I could see I loved Carol? I didn't want to hurt her, or feel like I had her and then lost her again. I was going through a deep depression which I don’t believe anybody knew. Carol would ask me from time to time if things were okay, but I would always say I was fine.

By this time I had been contemplating hurting myself. I wish I had just talked to Carol, friends, family or sought help. I couldn't because I was scared and ashamed.  I didn't want those closest to me to see me this way. In my head things were an illogical mess, and out of anxiety I decided the best way to protect Carol from my depression was to make her believe I was in love with someone else. I didn't want her to see me in that sort of depression and I thought she would leave me alone and I would stay away from her. So I lied about it all.

I constantly lied to Carol, my family, and to the person I was using. The big flaw is it didn't work like I had thought up in my mind. I kept talking to Carol the whole time and I would even do and say things to make her jealous. It was like I was living two separate lives. I'm still confused about some of the things I said and did during this time.

I would blame her for things going wrong in my life when in reality everything that was going wrong was my fault. Almost two months into this fake relationship I drove out to her house and I finally told Carol that I loved her. Something that I had not admitted before. And throughout this relationship, I would still invite Carol over for movie/football nights or to Purdue games with me. Each time, I wanted to just kiss her and tell her everything. I felt too far gone. I sometimes wished she would initiate something in hopes that it would snap me out of it. But Carol acted like any best friend would have. She respected my so called relationship and did nothing despite me sending very mixed messages. My actions throughout this time were disrespectful to her and would make her angry at times. Despite my intentions to protect her, I put her through emotional hell. And while telling her I loved her, I would still tell everyone around me she meant nothing. Makes me sick to my stomach that I could ever say those words about her.

I recently shared something with Carol that I also had hid for years from her and everyone. During my depression and this fake relationship, out of guilt for what I was doing and the depression I was dealing with, I left Carol a note and then I attempted suicide. I won’t go into the details of exactly what happened. Only Carol knows the exact details. It happened and I was ashamed I could ever let things get that far. I so badly just wanted to explain what was going on with me and why I had been acting the way I had. I wanted to tell her I somehow thought I was protecting her and wanted to tell her how much I loved her. During the relationship and after, I even went as far as to show up at her house several times in hopes of convincing myself to go up to the door and tell her everything.

As this relationship went on, instead of seeking help, most nights I would drink myself to sleep just to cope with things. Carol could tell something was not right with me. She had asked a handful of times if I was depressed and maybe I should talk to somebody but I never listened to her. Finally, I felt overwhelming guilt for using this person, and the person I was using could see I was putting in absolutely no effort to even see her or even showing basic signs of affection, and we broke up.

Almost a month after all of this Carol threw me a 30^th birthday party. Even after all I had done she was there as a friend and managed to invite most of my family and friends for a surprise party.  Something I never told her then was that may have saved me and started to get me out of my depression.  I started to see what I really had around me and how much people cared. I owed Carol everything for all the trouble she went to, but instead of being grateful, I pushed her away again and kept her out of my life for months after that.  Everything had become overwhelming. It hurt to even see her after what I'd done. But I still wanted to tell her everything. I continued to drive out to her house but I was too much of a coward to ever knock on the door.

It took me a while to feel somewhat normal again and was almost a year before I got up the nerve to ask Carol to be my girlfriend again, and we have been together since. Still, I did have a couple panic moments before we got back together when I would tell her I wasn't sure or that I was interested in someone else again that I had zero interest in. Obviously, I never let it get to the extent that I had before and I'd quickly apologize. I was even more afraid of being with Carol because I had done all of this. It was all because I never dealt with my anxiety or the things I had done so wrong.

So the last four months have been us discussing the past, and all the lies I told and secrets I kept all these years, which as you can imagine is a lot for someone to deal with. Let alone a pregnant woman. All this time, Carol thought I was just naive and stupid enough to believe I loved this other person so fast. Now she knows I left and hurt her for basically nothing except my own fear and anxiety. 

I was madly in love with her back then and didn't know how to handle it. All the time we lost being together, and how deeply I hurt her because I couldn't deal with things, kills me to this day.  I know now if I just had told Carol how I was feeling then she would have stuck by my side and helped me through it. Instead I lied and still lied until this year. The last few months have been me reliving disgusting truths and talking about things that I never wanted to say. 

With Carol’s support and encouragement I have finally started to get help. To congratulate me on that or dismiss what I did would mean you are missing the point. Please don't say "everyone makes mistakes." I repeatedly hurt the person I loved the most. Nothing excuses that.

I am sharing all of this because I spent years hiding things out of concern about how people see me. So ashamed I continued to even hide it from my wife. Hiding things just kept the cycle of lies going. I'm letting go of that fear. I also hope it serves as an apology to those that were in my life then. Whether I lied to you or used you, I am sorry. I am ashamed of what I did and what I put others through. Yes, I was in a bad place, but my actions were selfish. Anything to not really deal with my life and prior mistakes. I never allowed myself to see what I was really doing to Carol when I had imagined I was protecting her somehow. I hurt her so badly, and ruined things we shared, simply because I couldn't deal with my own life at the time. I also never considered the damage I might be doing to someone who was divorced and so desperate that they thought they were in love within a week. I did consider this person somewhat of a friend, but clearly if I could use them that way, they weren't. To play along with that for months when I felt nothing is disgusting on my part. Not to mention all the people I lied to along the way.

I'm hoping in writing this everyone can see not to judge a book by its cover. I am hoping to inspire someone to make better decisions and get help as soon as you feel something leading to depression or severe anxiety. I almost ruined things with the love of my life, and ruined several friendships, all because I couldn't cope with things. If it ever gets this bad for you please don’t hesitate to seek help.

At my 30th birthday party. She never knew she may have saved me that day.